Most days I keep it together, I pray, I recite affirmations, I do my best to go within and access that power that makes me happy and balanced. And it is a process, and it takes some work and focus, but most days I am there!
Yesterday morning I FULLY LOST IT!
I woke up upset and slowly, through the early morning, I felt my old friends ANGER and RESENTMENT overtake my mind and soul.
Tears were streaming down, I felt like I was suffocating, screaming on the inside! I attempted to do yoga but that just irritate Anger and Resentment and they fully INVADED my house of peace!
Peace was no longer! Now there was a RAGGING HURRICANE within me and it was moments away before it blew out of me and completely destroyed everything around me!
At this point I scream at my hubby that ‘I am leaving, I am done, you figure it out, I’ve had enough! …” and I proceed to put my flip-flops on and leave the house while slamming the door!
I can only imagine what was going on through my kids minds and my poor hubby … he’s been through this before!
I knew I need to find a breath of fresh air and to find myself again! I need NATURE!
Nature always puts it in perspective for me! So I walked outside in the chilly morning, not feeling the chill at all. And I am very surprised that I am not cold at all. I still hug my body and I start talking to myself! Actually, ANGER and RESENTMENT start talking to ME!!
They tell me they’ve had enough. They are out! This has got to stop! I have to say something, do something! But simply put, ANGER and RESENTMENT tell me that I have to CHANGE the people around me for me to be happy!
I know that can’t be, but at that specific moment, what ANGER and RESENTMENT were advising me, FELT SO RIGHT!!!! WHY CAN’T THE PEOPLE AROUND ME JUST CHANGE ….. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR THEM TO SEE THAT THIS IS NOT WORKING, THAT I AM NOT HAPPY! Why is it so hard for things to just be normal …… I AM TRYING SO HARD!
I decide to just walk around and breathe! My husband walks out and tells me that everything is going to be ok, he tells me to breathe and … ANGER and RESENTMENT tell him something I rather not repeat here! It felt good to tell him off at that moment. I don’t need to be told what to do, I need for things to CHANGE!
I look up at the tops of the trees and it calms me down! I look at the super green, lively grass and I wonder how NATURE doesn’t struggle to live and grow and prosper. It just turns in its beautiful form without crying and shouting and saying inappropriate words at it’s maker! Right?
I realize that NATURE just IS!!! Nature is just what it is, it doesn’t want more, it doesn’t want less, it doesn’t want anything different that WHAT IT IS! It doesn’t want CHANGE other than the one that comes naturally! Nature is so beautiful and PEACEFUL and HAPPY …. That’s how I want to be!
And there in lies the problem. I slowly realize that I haven’t honored myself lately! I have been doing a lot of things for everyone and non of those things are what I want to do but I do them so that I can help those that need to change! And they don’t, and I get frustrated!
I need to go back to honoring myself! I need to do things for me. I need to live my passion and my desires and I need to take time for me. I can help and be of service, I can be kind and loving all the time. But I have to first honor that which moves me! That which makes me the person that I am! That which brings me balance, peace and love.
I walk back in the house, ANGER and RESENTMENT still accompanying me. But I’ve taken the rains from their hands now. I feel calmness spread over me. I go to the nursery and take care of my baby while tears are still streaming. I keep telling myself to ‘JUST BREATHE’!! That becomes my mantra! Because believe it or not, I was so angry and frustrated at the world that I literally stopped breathing, and BREATHING feels so good right now! … just breathe … just breathe ….
I am with the baby! I sing songs to him, I remind myself how much I love him. I can’t look at this face and not feel happiness!
My husband takes care of everyone and everything else. He keeps telling the kids “give mommy space, …. let mommy be for a while!” The guy knows the drill, this is not the first time I have lost it completely! But come to think of it, the last time I fully lost it was when my 9 month old was just born so …. it’s been NINE MONTHS …. I am laughing! This is huge accomplishment for me actually! I am truly working on it …. and daily!
I take care of the baby and put him down for his next nap! And I am determined that I WILL finish my yoga practice for today because I am a person that will die trying and I want to feel the peace and serenity again!
I still feel tears rolling down my face while I am following the poses, my mind still not wanting to be present but just goes back in the past and keeps talking…. and talking …. why can’t it just shut up!
Hubby comes in to tell me that he has now dressed and fed all the boys, cleaned up after them too and he asked if I need anything else. Anger doesn’t let me respond. I keep my eyes shut and continue to follow the voice on the video …. but I know … love for my husband is slowly starting to creep back in my heart! It’s slowly starting to feel normal again!!
I proceed to take a shower and miraculously, like never before, there are no kids crying in front of my shower asking “mommy, what are you doing? What are you doing mommy!” The hot water feels so amazing and it was almost like washing my worries and fears away!
I start reciting my grateful affirmations and I start sending love to everyone I know. This is now a normal practice for me when I am in the shower. It’s quite time so it feels perfect for me to get back into the present mind.
Later …. I realize I DID GREAT! I sat with the anger and resentment issues I’ve been dealing with and instead of pushing them down into a deep whole, I let them roam, spread havoc, but at the same time I was slowly letting go of these! And I know they will come back again to visit, they are so deeply rooted in my subconscious that I can’t get rid of them so quick …. but I now realize this is the process I need to undertake. Just sit with them. Just let them do their thing, eventually … they will get tired and leave. And I will be back to normal.
It does feel a little bit like an out of body experience! Sit with the angry thoughts like they are on the outside, be the best listener, agree, then send them love, wish them well, bless them, …. and then RELEASE THEM! They will go on their own accord faster this way than if you struggle against them. There is no reason to run from them as they will just follow and sooner than later, you will have to face them again! Just sit there! Let the water work flow. BREATHE!
I felt it! I felt the switch! Right around noon, I felt back at balance and I had the instant urge to take my kids to the zoo! I have never attempted to take all 4 of them to the zoo, but I got the hunch and I decided to follow it, it didn’t matter whether it made sense or not. I was going to do it and it was going to be awesome! And you know what! It was totally fine! Kids acted like little angels, there was almost no one at the zoo so the boys ran around freely. I realized, I can have so much fun with the boys if only I LET GO of things and just LET MYSELF BE IN THE MOMENT!
When we came home, the boys told daddy that we were at the zoo and he was so surprised and happy!! I proceed to make dinner while he is playing legos with the boys! It simply can’t be more perfect! I still have the fear that my old friends anger and resentment will somehow make their way back up to visit and ….. I really don’t want to see them again! But now I know how to deal with them! I now feel like I can handle the pressure and find a way to come out of it faster and stronger.
I realize that LETTING GO is a CHOICE! Just like everything in life is a choice! I must choose well and count my blessing!!! And if all things fail, tomorrow IS ALWAYS A NEW DAY AND A NEW BEGINNING!
I appreciate this CRAZY GOOD LIFE and all the lessons it has in store for me!
Have you had a story like that too? Share with me in the comments section! I’d love to hear your story! We are not alone!
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